Now this might be a slightly incendiary subject. But the wonderful thing is that so few people read this blog. And they are all mostly very close friends. So I have the freedom to say what I believe without too many worries about repercussions.
My whole education has been based on the Socratic method. We argued endlessly with our professors. They in turn threw out inane postulates wanting to incite the class into serious debate. And that is how we arrived at the truth for ourselves. Never by passively accepting something. But by constantly poking at things to find holes and then accepting it as true for ourselves. A sort of reductio ad absurdum approach at times. And this was what was expected of us. Through our professional careers we spoke our mind fearlessly with bosses and clients who had a lifetime of experience behind them. And we were never considered disrespectful. We did it with bosses that we idolized and clients, we adored, who were the sharpest brains in the industry.
So obviously, I came to Carnatic music not knowing that the culture here is different. And nobody to tell me otherwise. I still remember my first teacher who was such an absolute sweetheart. I was learning the Vasantha varnam and the third charanam of course starts D,,N ,SDN. I could not for the life of me understand why the composer would insist on D,, and not D,,, or D, both of which would have been easier for me. I remember arguing as to how it would make no difference to the musicality. Instead of telling me to jump out of the window, she patiently explained that the elders had composed it like this and that is the way it should be sung.
Thank heavens, I am slightly better now. But it is still very difficult for me to keep quiet when I do not understand something, whether it is in the musicality of a phrase or sahithya or the meaning behind something or even why something is notated a certain way when it is sung a different way. And my mind keeps dwelling on it in the same way as one's tongue at a piece of food caught in a deep set molar.
Many of these things I have learnt to work out on own. But I do think it would be better to open it up . I have immense gratitude for every single person I have learnt from. Teaching is hard. I would be totally incapable of it. Every time I sing, I hear that teacher in my inner ear, see their body language in my mind. They have truly been a vehicle for my discovery of something. And yet, there will be absolutely no outward manifestation of that gratitude carried in the heart. Because otherwise it gets tainted. I am incapable of being sycophantic, of falling at their feet, of praising them in exaggerated ways in front of others. It rings so false. And diminishes the immensity of my experience. But somewhere in so many of the groups I belong to, that seems to be the norm rather than the exception.
Now let us take Bhakthi. I strongly believe that Bhakthi/adoration is between the individual and the object of his or her devotion . No third person needs to know. Just as an apple when cut and left out becomes brown, so too, Bhakthi worn on the sleeve is tainted over a period of time. And yet Carnatic music is so full of these outward symbols. Sometimes these outward manifestations of something are themselves an impediment to the true experience of an emotion. We get hooked onto the symbols and forget the living experience of something.
My adoration of my favourite Trinity composer consists of me cursing him every morning and saying " This really cannot go on, you know. Either I need to stop seeing the beauty in this phrase or I have to be able to execute it the way it has to be. Now you decide."
So far he is still ignoring me.
